you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
