dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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