i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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