i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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