I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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