i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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