Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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