Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
