Your mouth is God's brothel.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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