I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
you never un-have a 4some
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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