I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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