I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
