I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I AM VODKA MAN
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
