here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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