Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The convent might be a nice break from real life
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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