Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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