Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
