I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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