It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
