I molested 6 butterflies tonight
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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