If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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