I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So many bounce houses so little time
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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