I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
