I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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