I'm so fucking centered right now
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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