i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
