from now on my penis is your penis
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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