ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
