I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
