Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
