i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
