just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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