I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
