cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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