That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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