see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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