guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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