Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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