and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
