you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
