tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
