I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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