she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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