I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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