Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
