mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
