On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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