You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
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