its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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