I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
